Parental Guilt: An Inevitable Part of Our Lives

Just the other day I was trying to force my son, Otis, to eat some vegeable matter of any kind.  He just won't eat hardly anything.  He subsists on air and crackers, I swear it.  His own hunger strike, his demands are crackers and Elmo.  I swear, this time, I am going to starve him out until he eats what I have prepared.  As time wears on and more guilt sets in about not feeding him, I gave in and feed him enough calories in crackers to fulfill his daily intake.  I thought, "Damnit, what am I doing?  I am a terrible parent. He should be eating the garden of eden, organic of course, and finishing it off with whole grain whatever, not processed crap. I am letting a three year old get the best of me."  The guilt ensued.  Guilt is a common emotion of my day.   Discipline is always a source of guilt.  Today I was handing out timeouts like halloween candy.  I think I even gave him a timeout for asking too many questions, terrible.   I know its common among parents to feel this way.  Its even worse for my wife.  Women destroy themselves with Mother's guilt.  Going back to work, childcare, breast feeding, prenatal diet, they blame themselves mercilessly.  Heck, my mom still feels guilt about how she raised four kids by herself, 15 years after all of us are out of the house. Even though we all are college graduates, and none of us are currently in prison, we beat the statistics there. But it sucks.  No matter what we do, no matter how long it is after our kids leave, guilt remains.

I wasn't satisfied with this conclusion.  There are plenty of articles on the subject of how to deal with it.  Most of them give tips on balancing life and parenting and the myth of the perfect parent , or good parents feel guilty, bullshit, all parents feel guilt good or bad.   Finally, my personal favorite, downloadable hypnosis to deal with parental guilt, I am one bad day away from trying this one.  It all is well and good, and there is some good advice in these articles.  But something I learned after having my first child, advice is really hard to apply sometimes and can seem more like judgement.  "Oh, when my son acts like that, I just ignore him," or "You know, you shouldn't feed a baby Sunny Delight."  The latter advice I agree with, but when you are in Target with two kids, both of whom are breaking down, I will let them free base sugar if they stay quiet until we get home.  Honestly, the only thing I have truly learned from having kids, do not judge another's parenting.  We are all out here struggling,  give a helping hand if anything.  I am no hippy, but the whole "it takes a village" thing does make sense.

What has made me feel better about my guilt and parenting as a whole is comedy.  Louis C.K. is one of the best comics for parents to watch, unless you offend easily, he is well versed in the swearing arts and his comedy hits hard.  But, he captures the the essenense of parental frustration and guilt.

I love the Carnival Cruise bit.


Another skit I enjoy is Mr. Show's "Teaching Parents to Deprive." I couldn't find a clip 
but its on the second season. I like the idea that my screw ups and misdoings translate 
directly into potential jobs for my kids. If I deprive them just enough, they will become 
a good lawyer, but if I really do a number on them, they may end up an artist.

I know there are many right ways to parent, but it seems to me that the wrong ways are 
easier to point out, and no matter what I do right or wrong, I will feel guilt.  
That's why its important to have a beer with lunch on Fridays or any day really, 
share ridiculous parenting stories with strangers at the park, offer help to someone 
struggling with kids at the supermarket, and save money for my kids therapy sessions.


Merrick